Being sick has not helped me in the gym lately. And eating some pretty bad food choices probably isn’t helping me either, but let’s be honest. When you’re sick, you need to listen to your body and get rest. I slept over 24 hours yesterday, drank plenty of fluids, and ate what I wanted to because it was comfort food. Not having an appetite helped considering I only ate so much, but when I did eat, I enjoyed foods that I haven’t given myself in a long time. Grilled cheese with tomato soup, some popcorn, maybe a little ice cream. My body was done, I could barely move, but I know I could move my mouth. The point is that we need to listen to our bodies, and these things called comfort foods may just be a mental help, but they still help. I’m not nearly at 100%, but I plan to get back on my diet as best as I can tomorrow and get back into the gym with a light to moderate work out. If you don’t listen to your own body, you’ll do nothing but put it into more hurt and possibly get yourself even more sick and cause more harm than good. We’ll start with a hyper upper body tomorrow and see how I go, starting off again with my three low days, a normal and then a high.
That has nothing to do with my title, but at the same time it does. If you cheat on your diet, do you ever feel a bit guilty? Almost feel like, “Wow, I’m going to gain all of my weight back and lose all of the work I’ve done.” Okay, one good meal won’t make you lean and one bad meal won’t make you fat. If you don’t reward yourself for all of your hard work, no one else will. We don’t get the “Good Participation” ribbons anymore like we did when we were kids. If it’s a scoop of ice cream you want, or even just a candy bar, go for it. Enjoy yourself in moderation. If you have a set goal, take it easy on the rewards. My “cheat meals” consist of smooshed banana on a flat bread with peanut butter now. I only have them on my high days, but my high days are far and in between. I get the carbohydrates I need, as well as the sweet from the banana and the peanut butter. It’s what satisfies my craving as what I consider a “cheat meal” and yours can be healthy too. Just go in a search engine like Google and look up all the healthy recipes out there for things like Gluten-Free cupcakes, Greek Yogurt icing, protein pancakes, it’s all out there. Just look for it.
Guilt clearly does not only run with food. I have loads of guilt. I feel guilty for the loss of my ex-boyfriend, feeling that I could have done more to save him. I feel guilty that I wasn’t there for him in his final moments, maybe having hope that I could have saved him. I feel guilty that I left after he attacked me, and if I stayed, he could have maybe gotten clean. I feel guilty that he’s gone. There is so much guilt that I have lurking in my mind, day in and day out. I’ve come to accept that I did all that I could have done to help him, and that I did everything and anything to try and get him clean. I’ve come to accept that there is nothing I could have done more, and that I did everything and then some more, but sometimes, God, or what your beliefs are, just has a different plan. I do not believe in coincidence anymore, and I believe that we all have a plan set out for us, and I believe in fate and that our choices determine our fate, but somehow, it’s still already set out for us.
But now I have a new guilt. I feel guilty because in my time of sorrow and grief, I have met an amazing man. I have met someone who is so patient with me during my sad times, who wants to lift me up at all times of the day, who takes care of me when I’m sick (made me soup, ate junk food with me and watched movies with me, cuddled with me and scratched my back and gave me anything I asked, not letting me lift a finger). Someone who has flared my passion for fitness and nutrition again, someone who I know is willing to do all he can to make me smile. Here I am, with someone who wants to give so much, but I feel closed. I feel that I cannot open up to him, and that saddens me. I feel guilty for being happy. I know I want to be happy, we all do, but I feel guilty for being happy. All because of what I just said in the previous paragraph. Do I deserve to be happy? Will I have this guilt forever? Will I ever be able to open up to someone who wants to give me so much? Will I be able to give him everything one day?
I used to tell him, “I’m broken. I’ve been broken over and over again and never been able to put myself back together.” He looked me in the eyes and said, “You’re not broken. And I’m here to help you put yourself back together. You know that I’m here for you. You know how much I care about you.” This is where things change.
Someone very intelligent told me that there are two types of guilty people, the ones who let it go and the ones who hold on to it. Those who let it go are those who feel worthy, and feeling worthy starts with accepting the fact that you are worth it, just breathing and being alive is being worth it. You are worth it. I’m starting to try and learn that I am worth it, and the point that I’m trying says that I’m worth it. I just have to accept that. And everyone can, but it’s okay to take your time and take everything one day at a time. It’s okay to take things slow and go at your own pace, as long as you see that you’re worth it. You’re trying, and that’s what counts. Don’t let guilt take over your life, because once that weight is lifted, so many new doors will open up for you. There is no reason for you to feel guilt, you did all you could and did everything imaginable. You should never feel guilty when it comes to the choice you make for food or with someone’s loss, from getting into that fender bender or keeping something from someone who truly cared. Get rid of your guilt, you are worthy. Take your time, and try, because you can do this, and because you’re worth it all.
See you soon. I’m trying, I promise.