“I found your picture today…”

Sometimes I wonder how serious the past is considering who I am with.  I know my past is long, dark and extremely deep and I managed to get myself out of that situation.  I try not to remember my past, but I know it will always be a part of me, and I enjoy keeping photos of my ex considering he did pass away.  He was and always will be a part of my life, including his family.  I think about him every day, and wonder sometimes how things would have been, but know (in some crazy way) that things do happen for a reason.  As much as I wish I could justify having his photo, I know sometimes it may bother my current partner.  Luckily, if I’m ever having a hard day, I know I can still always talk to him about things and he does extremely well to listen.

Sometimes though, finding other pictures is hard.  Social media allows us to go weeks, months and even years into a person’s past.  Someone who is now starting a career and a family may still have photos of Senior Prom somewhere on the internet.  We have that ability to peek at someone to see if they are who they say that are.  Sometimes you find photos on the internet, sometimes you may, who knows…find them in a backpack when you are trying to write a nice note while packing their lunch considering they hate their new job.

I’m sure you get the hint.  I found a photo of my partner’s ex, along with other photos.  I don’t really understand why, but I’m sure he forgot they were in there.  Other times, I get stressed out considering how long they were together.  And then I get confident about us being together again.  But then I remember that we haven’t even know each other a year.  What should I do?  It’s hard to talk to someone when you’re already horrible at talking.  I always have been, and I still continue to work on it every day and I sure hope you all do the same.  It’s really hard to talk to someone when in your past, it’s been difficult to talk about almost everything.  But I know this is something that will bug me.  Even though I wasn’t even looking for it, I still found it.

Don’t go looking for something if you’re not ready to handle what you find.  You never really know what will happen or what you may come across.  Be sure to prepare yourself for the unexpected, but always be ready to talk about it as well.  It doesn’t hurt to ask questions, but it sure hurts more to keep something cooped up inside.

 

 

xo,

Sam

Shut Down

It’s hard to move forward when all you want to do is revisit the past to try and retrace your steps to see where you went wrong.  How can you go continuously in what you want to do in life when you are constantly questioning everything that you wanted to do?  You look at yourself in your current situation and you become stressed about money, new relationships, strained friendships, school, work and the changes that affect your income, and the list can go on and on and on.  You tell yourself you can keep pushing through till next shift by switching between groceries and gas, or that just pushing through the next few weeks until vacation and that these new things coming in to your life can only be good.  But you can only lie to yourself for so long./

Sometimes, you just need a moment.  You need that sense of being alone and that private time, but you can never reach that either.  You keep pushing and pushing until finally, you just push yourself off the edge and completely shut down.  Guess who’s pretty close to a shut down event?

Luckily I’ve shut down enough where I can recognize each sign and almost prepare myself to not be functioning for the next week or so.  I was determined that last week would be the moment when I shut down.  But no, I can feel it coming and I can unfortunately predict this happening within the next two days, that’s how often and how accurate these events are.  Do I want these to happen?  Absolutely not, but at the same time, I know how hard I push myself without a physical or mental break and there comes a point where your mind and body completely take over and tell you to step back and breathe.  However, sometimes the step back and breathe is the jump back and sleep throughout the entire day just so you don’t have to go outside.

Some people don’t appreciate shutting down though.  Every time I go through this, I catch myself giving my mind a mental cleanse to reevaluate all of the most recent choices I’ve made and truly see if these are the things I either want to keep in my life or choose to set them aside and break free.  It takes a while to get there, and sometimes they’re a bit messy considering all of the emotional roller coasters I go on, but they can really help sometimes, if you do it in the right way.  I personally like to just lay around and be very silent.  I don’t talk so much, even while I’m in class and want to participate in discussion.  I won’t open up to any people, whether they’re a stranger or my mother.  I just shut down.  I try to go within my own mind and see what’s going on in there that caused me to get to this point.  By then, I can reevaluate everything and start to pick apart all of the negative things that have been going on and either turn them into positives, or accept the negatives at the time and just not be defeated by them.  Shutting down to the world around you does not always have to be a bad thing, and you can easily make it just as constructive as the others around you see it as being self destructive.

Next time you feel like you’re going to shut down, try to pause and catch yourself and recognize your symptoms.  Do you start being more standoffish?  Do you feel tense more often?  Can you start feeling yourself distancing yourself from others who you would regularly open up to?  Don’t sweat it, and when you finally feel yourself in that cleansing cry or those moments when you want to stay silent and lay in bed all day, do it.  Accept it, and accept how much your mind and body are begging you to just relax all of yourself.  Keeping our minds healthy is just as important as keeping our hearts and bodies healthy.  With a clean mind, you can start fresh and start thinking about things like priorities, necessities and what you want to do in order to avoid another shut down or prepare yourself for the next one, but know that it will be entirely positive.

Never let a shut down keep you down, and when those bad things start piling up, prepare yourself for this.  Its not a bad thing all the time, but think of it as your mind performing a defense mechanism and trying to protect you from all of the negative thinking that you and your mind both know is about to come.  Stay strong, and don’t let negative thoughts overpower you.  Instead, use them to shut down from the negative world so you come out with a more positive outlook instead.

See you soon,

Samantha

Damaged

Have you been through something and you just completely feel like you will never recover or grow from that traumatic experience?  Have you lost someone you love?  Has someone done something to you that is unforgivable?

Do you just feel damaged sometimes?  I felt that way for what seemed like forever. After my ex passed away, I felt completely broken.  It was a feeling that stayed with me for what has felt like years lately.  Do I still feel broken?  Unfortunately, yes.  I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of myself and put them back together.  Another unfortunately, once something breaks, it will never be the same again.  It will never be new, but just fixed.  It will never be the same as before.  But with some elbow grease, a little tape and maybe some glue, you can still fix something.

Who says that no one can help you fix yourself anyway?  Humans are meant to meet and be with other people.  That’s what is supposed to happen, we are all destined to find someone to spend our lives with.  I believe that we all have a soulmate that we are destined to find, whether we do spend the rest of our lives with them, or they teach us something that prepares us to spend the rest of our lives with someone.

Being damaged and being broken, it happens.  Things happen in our lives that leave us with a scar that cannot be covered up.  However, no one says we have to do it alone and no one says that we can’t be fixed.  There is beauty in overcoming adversity and hard times, and with that beauty comes the recognition within ourselves to keep moving forward.  If you’ve been feeling down lately, remember that it does get better.  You have the strength within yourself to pick yourself up and start putting the pieces back together.

Remember you can’t rely on someone else to fix you, but you can rely on someone to help you.  No one else can carry your problems for you, but they can help carry you.

Sorry all, it’s been a long day.  Hopefully it’ll be better tomorrow.

See you soon,

Samantha

The Reality

I know it’s been a while since I’ve been on here.  I really hope that everyone had an awesome Halloween weekend and that everyone stayed safe!

Things have been pretty interesting.  I go full force back into the gym tomorrow and same with diet after unfortunately getting the flu.  I haven’t felt an extreme guilt about that, which is good.  I did learn, however, how to help relax myself and to start coping.

There are so many things that people can do to help themselves in a situation where they feel they have no control or just to relax themselves.  Candles?  I love candles.  Scents are one great way to help soothe your emotions and gain control over yourself again.  Something that is relaxing and helps calm you.  But hey, candles aren’t for everyone.  There are other things, like knitting, writing (like what I do and many others on here do), cooking, going to the gym (another thing I do), there is always a way that is constructive, positive and healthy for you to let your emotions out.

Sometimes, personally, I put on sad music that makes me cry.  I know for myself, I have a big problem being able to express my emotions.  I don’t cry how I would like to, and sometimes just spending some time to hear the songs that my ex and I would listen to, or songs that make me think about him, they help the tears start flowing.  I know that keeping everything bottled up inside is less healthy than anything.  Being able to cry and almost force the tears out helps me.  I don’t know how, but it just lets me cry and I almost feel like I don’t have a reason to cry, and hearing sad songs gives me that reason.  It’s a weird way to look at it, but it’s what helps you that’s important.  If you find something that is healthy, constructive and positive that allows you to escape from reality a little bit and gain better control of your emotions, then that is something you should keep doing.  The three criteria are the most important, because trust me, things like drugs and alcohol will only make a situation worse.  And never be afraid to reach out for help.  People out there love you and will want to be there for you to help you find something that will help you.

So what about this idea of reality?  What is it?  Is it when we wake up in the morning and say, “Yeah, this is it.  It’s not yesterday anymore, today is today, and tomorrow is only tomorrow today.”  OR is reality accepting?  Does reality deal with more of what we create in our mind?  Milton, the author of “Paradise Lost,” also one of my favorites, is someone who questions the power of the mind.  In his poem, he mentions how strong the mind is, as far as being able to create a Heaven of a Hell and a Hell of a Heaven.  The point is that within our own minds, we can create our own paradise.  We are strong enough to make our own day and to decide what our life will bring us.  We have the power to think of what we want to, and when we get into those situations that make us feel like we’re losing control, we go back to those coping mechanisms.  If I’m craving, I put on my running shoes and just go.  And in my mind, I’m creating something new.  I’m focusing more on my running and my breathing rather than a way to get a new hit. We have the power within ourselves to turn our lives in the direction we want, we just have to realize it.  We can create what we want within our own minds.

When I was in the situation I was, I found the beach as my calming.  I would take my dog when he was still sleeping, and go to the beach, which back then was less than 10 minutes away.  I was living in a hell, and I was scared to do almost anything.  But I would go walk on the beach, and I was in my Heaven.  I had made a Heaven from my Hell I was living that gave me hope that things were going to get better.  You can also do this, you have the power to change your life around.  And it all starts with the choices we make, it all starts with small steps.  The hardest part is taking that first step, but no one says you have to do it alone.  Reach out, you have people.

Accepting reality does not mean having to accept the negative and dark things in your life.  It means that reality is what we make it.  If I’m sad, I think of the positives in a situation.  My reality is my own and no two people have the same reality.  Accepting reality also starts with accepting yourself.  There is no way to accept the world you’re living in if you can’t even accept the person living in it.  Don’t be afraid, you can do anything you set your mind to and you can escape your own personal Hell by being able to create your own Heaven.  Before you know it, the mental thoughts and steps you took by creating your Heaven will end up truly creating a Heaven not just in your mind, but in the world surrounding you.  Once you move towards that positive path, then that positive energy will want to find you and before you know it, each step will go towards creating your own Heaven.

That’s the reality.  The choices you make create your path.  It’s okay to steer off because we all make mistakes and we all make different choices.  It’s getting back on the path you want that defines you.  Choosing to give up after falling off is what will keep you going down a path that will get you no where.  Choosing to accept the reality that you made a mistake and choosing to accept the strength and courage to fight to get back on track, that’s the reality that matters.  That’s your reality.

See you soon,

Samantha

Guilt

Being sick has not helped me in the gym lately.  And eating some pretty bad food choices probably isn’t helping me either, but let’s be honest.  When you’re sick, you need to listen to your body and get rest.  I slept over 24 hours yesterday, drank plenty of fluids, and ate what I wanted to because it was comfort food.  Not having an appetite helped considering I only ate so much, but when I did eat, I enjoyed foods that I haven’t  given myself in a long time.  Grilled cheese with tomato soup, some popcorn, maybe a little ice cream.  My body was done, I could barely move, but I know I could move my mouth.  The point is that we need to listen to our bodies, and these things called comfort foods may just be a mental help, but they still help.  I’m not nearly at 100%, but I plan to get back on my diet as best as I can tomorrow and get back into the gym with a light to moderate work out.  If you don’t listen to your own body, you’ll do nothing but put it into more hurt and possibly get yourself even more sick and cause more harm than good.  We’ll start with a hyper upper body tomorrow and see how I go, starting off again with my three low days, a normal and then a high.

That has nothing to do with my title, but at the same time it does.  If you cheat on your diet, do you ever feel a bit guilty?  Almost feel like, “Wow, I’m going to gain all of my weight back and lose all of the work I’ve done.”  Okay, one good meal won’t make you lean and one bad meal won’t make you fat.  If you don’t reward yourself for all of your hard work, no one else will.  We don’t get the “Good Participation” ribbons anymore like we did when we were kids.  If it’s a scoop of ice cream you want, or even just a candy bar, go for it.  Enjoy yourself in moderation.  If you have a set goal, take it easy on the rewards.  My “cheat meals” consist of smooshed banana on a flat bread with peanut butter now.  I only have them on my high days, but my high days are far and in between.  I get the carbohydrates I need, as well as the sweet from the banana and the peanut butter.  It’s what satisfies my craving as what I consider a “cheat meal” and yours can be healthy too.  Just go in a search engine like Google and look up all the healthy recipes out there for things like Gluten-Free cupcakes, Greek Yogurt icing, protein pancakes, it’s all out there.  Just look for it.

Guilt clearly does not only run with food.  I have loads of guilt.  I feel guilty for the loss of my ex-boyfriend, feeling that I could have done more to save him.  I feel guilty that I wasn’t there for him in his final moments, maybe having hope that I could have saved him.  I feel guilty that I left after he attacked me, and if I stayed, he could have maybe gotten clean.  I feel guilty that he’s gone.  There is so much guilt that I have lurking in my mind, day in and day out.  I’ve come to accept that I did all that I could have done to help him, and that I did everything and anything to try and get him clean.  I’ve come to accept that there is nothing I could have done more, and that I did everything and then some more, but sometimes, God, or what your beliefs are, just has a different plan.  I do not believe in coincidence anymore, and I believe that we all have a plan set out for us, and I believe in fate and that our choices determine our fate, but somehow, it’s still already set out for us.

But now I have a new guilt.  I feel guilty because in my time of sorrow and grief, I have met an amazing man.  I have met someone who is so patient with me during my sad times, who wants to lift me up at all times of the day, who takes care of me when I’m sick (made me soup, ate junk food with me and watched movies with me, cuddled with me and scratched my back and gave me anything I asked, not letting me lift a finger).  Someone who has flared my passion for fitness and nutrition again, someone who I know is willing to do all he can to make me smile.  Here I am, with someone who wants to give so much, but I feel closed.  I feel that I cannot open up to him, and that saddens me.  I feel guilty for being happy.  I know I want to be happy, we all do, but I feel guilty for being happy.  All because of what I just said in the previous paragraph.  Do I deserve to be happy?  Will I have this guilt forever?  Will I ever be able to open up to someone who wants to give me so much?  Will I be able to give him everything one day?  

I used to tell him, “I’m broken.  I’ve been broken over and over again and never been able to put myself back together.”  He looked me in the eyes and said, “You’re not broken.  And I’m here to help you put yourself back together.  You know that I’m here for you.  You know how much I care about you.”  This is where things change.

Someone very intelligent told me that there are two types of guilty people, the ones who let it go and the ones who hold on to it.  Those who let it go are those who feel worthy, and feeling worthy starts with accepting the fact that you are worth it, just breathing and being alive is being worth it.  You are worth it.  I’m starting to try and learn that I am worth it, and the point that I’m trying says that I’m worth it.  I just have to accept that.  And everyone can, but it’s okay to take your time and take everything one day at a time.  It’s okay to take things slow and go at your own pace, as long as you see that you’re worth it.  You’re trying, and that’s what counts.  Don’t let guilt take over your life, because once that weight is lifted, so many new doors will open up for you.  There is no reason for you to feel guilt, you did all you could and did everything imaginable.  You should never feel guilty when it comes to the choice you make for food or with someone’s loss, from getting into that fender bender or keeping something from someone who truly cared.  Get rid of your guilt, you are worthy.  Take your time, and try, because you can do this, and because you’re worth it all.

 

See you soon.  I’m trying, I promise.

Samantha

Am I the only One?

Okay, so here’s the situation.  You like someone, and they obviously like you also.  And you’ve been in this situation for a good while, but there’s nothing that’s going forward.  It’s staying the same, the same status, the same actions, it’s all the same, except feelings have gotten stronger.  So, now you’re just in this place, you’re stuck and it’s confusing because you have no idea what you’re supposed to say or do or what you’re allowed to do and it’s the most frustrating thing you could ever imagine.  How can you even think about moving forward with your life if you still find yourself stuck in the same position with something new?  Am I wrong?

I mean look at it this way.  When I introduced this blog, I talked about who had passed away and how I felt about not being able to move forward, but recognizing that in order for my life to become more positive and to become more productive, I needed to move forward.  Makes sense, right?  So, how is it productive that in this part of my life, I’m still in the same spot I was in with this person?  It’s confusing because I don’t know what I can or can’t do, can or can’t say, and I know how I feel.  I’ve known for a long time now, but I’m just not sure how to express that.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you just feel like you’re not even close to being good enough?  That no matter what you try and do to become that person that someone else finds more attractive or would rather be with, you just feel helpless and that nothing you can do will ever get to you to that point?

Well, I felt like that for a really long time.  And I still feel like that now.  I’m trying to become close to something that someone else finds WAY more attractive and would obviously much rather be with.  And I’m stuck here, back where I was and feeling like I’m not moving forward.  However, now I realize how much I’m doing this for myself.  Lifting has given me so much freedom that I never imagined and even though I know I’m not where I want to be, I know how dedicated and motivated I am that I will get there sooner than what I think.  I never thought that I would have such a strong goal or would want to do such things that such a small population of the world actually does.  But here I am doing it, and I finally realized that I’m doing it for me.

So now, how do I move forward when I’m being forced to stay in the same spot?  When I don’t know how to move forward, when I don’t know how to let  go and move forward with my life from the past, I just don’t get it.  You claim to really like someone and care about someone, and yet, you show how much interest you have in people who aren’t exactly the same as the person you say you like.  It’s confusing.  It’s a mind screw sometimes, and honestly, I’m getting exhausted.  It’s just frustrating.  Don’t say that you care about the person I am when the interest you show is clearly in people who I am nothing like.

Sorry for something so down, just a low day today..hopefully better later.

See you soon,

Samantha

Moving Forward

I don’t think I’m the first one to admit when you have no idea how to move forward from a situation that has completely turned your life around.  I’m still struggling with that.  I’m terrified to even open up to people.  I’m scared because, I’m terrified to losing people again.  I feel that if I open up, people will get scared and run away.  Or I’m scared to get close to people because there is a risk of losing them again.

The drugs were something I used to do as an escape.  And I can’t even begin to say how strong my cravings have been lately.  All I want is one line and I can just keep going about my day.  But I fight those cravings, and I fight them hard and think that I’ve won until I get into bed at night and I feel my body aching from the physical and mental fight against wanting drugs.  I used to think fighting this was a good thing, until when I shared with someone this past of mine, and admitted to my cravings, I thought it would be okay to share this with him, but he gets upset.  He gets upset because he thinks that I feel that doing drugs will help.

This is wrong on so many different levels.  I do not believe that drugs will solve my problems.  I know they are a temporary fix.  And for those of you who maybe have been reading this and know of someone who is struggling with staying clean, you have to be rewarding rather than punishing.  When I told him about my cravings, he focused more on, “No, it’s not going to help you, I don’t know why you still want it.”  I still want it because an addiction is mental, emotional and physical and there are always relapses and there are always cravings when things are going wrong.  Yes, I may have a craving, but the fact that I ignored the phone call back to go and get some more just to get high before a class, that’s the important part.

You can’t focus on the negative of things.  You have to reward yourself even the slightest bit even for the smallest accomplishment.  Me opening myself is a part of me trying to move forward.  I can’t even describe how badly I just want to open up to people again and start moving forward with my life.  I don’t want to stay so closed and I don’t want to stay shut down from the world, but unfortunately, this makes me want to shut down again.

Those of you going through something similar, get away.  Reward yourself by surrounding yourself with those who will reward you for staying clean and resisting temptation rather than questioning why you even want it.  All I’m saying.

See you soon,

Samantha

Memories

Taking the weekend up to go and surprise my guy at his first physique competitions will definitely always be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.  I flew into Chicago and drove into Wisconsin to watch him and he had no idea.  I was so happy to see his face when I surprised him and I can’t say enough how proud I am of him and all he has accomplished and just stepping on stage in general.

I plan to step on stage in the Spring, and that’s the first step.  Setting goals and making dreams for yourself is the motivation that will get you into the routine that works best for you.  I started off with the more extreme beginner bikini, but now I want to gain more muscle, more muscle definition, and be able to step on stage.  Once I set that goal for myself, I was able to get into a better routine with not just my exercise, but also my diet.  I’ve become more dedicated because now I have something to work towards so that just increases my self discipline and self control even more.

The memories I made today will be memories I hold onto forever.  His friends came with us and we all went to Lambeau field to watch the game and eat and drink so much beer!  I can’t remember the last time I had that much fun.  And you know what?  I couldn’t give a damn about what I was eating, or the fact that I was drinking in so many calories.  There was no way I was not going to go to this event and not eat or drink what I wanted.  Sure, in show prep, you want to be on schedule and on point with everything, but an opportunity like this, you don’t just go and sit in the corner.  You go have fun with your friends.  Don’t ever take things too seriously, takes the fun out of life.

Today, would have also been my three year anniversary with my ex who has passed away.  And yes, I definitely remembered everything and it hurt.  It hurt a lot.  Because i realized how much I miss him and I realized how much more time I needed to heal.  I also realized that I’m lucky enough to have someone to help me and carry me through that healing process.  I don’t think there is anywhere else he would have wanted me to be.  I can’t just stop and stay in my bed for the rest of my life.  If I don’t go out and set these goals for myself and take on the world, I’ll be moving backwards rather than just standing still, and sometimes I’m not sure which one is worse.  Life throws some shitty stuff at you, but you have to remember the happy memories that life has also brought with the bad ones.  The more you focus on the good, the more positive will come to you.  Just keep smiling, because you never know when your smile will ignite someone else’s.

Keep smiling and see you soon,

Samantha

Starting Over

Today was HIT cardio.  I have 12 intervals, with 15 seconds of work and 45 seconds of minimal to no work.  I like doing box jumps, because every time I up the number of jumps I can do in 15 seconds, it feels awesome.  I switch off between that and ropes.  Not only do both of these things gets my heart rate going, it’s also a full body work out, going from lower body with box jumps, to upper body using the ropes, and core the entire time with jumping and stabilizing myself.  It was a great day to do cardio, considering everything that was going on.  I got my anger out and was able to release all of my emotion in a healthy, positive and productive way instead of something destructive.

Working out and eating healthy has given me a distraction, and it’s also benefitting me in more ways for the long run and now.  When I first met my ex boyfriend, I thought I was pretty healthy, but I was also a first year student in college, so anything cheap and quick was essential.  When we separated the first time, working out was all I did.  And instead of just eating healthy, I was barely eating at all because of depression.  Again, the working out was still a distraction.  When we got back together the second time, it was back to being comfortable and feeling I could eat whatever I wanted and look however and he would still be with me, considering he wasn’t as healthy as he had used to be either.  It was comfort with us, and we had been together for so long, that looks really had gone out the window, and the love we had for each other was strictly on who we were as people.  I get that feeling when I see couples who are in their 70’s or 80’s.  They look nothing like they did when they first met, but they fell in love with the person on the inside.  Or when women get pregnant, and their husbands think that they are the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen, even though their bodies are nothing close to what they were before pregnancy occurred.  I loved that feeling with him, but I didn’t feel confident in myself.

I started a new workout regimen, and even though I feel like I can’t legally say the name, but I’m sure we all know what it is, but in my opinion, it just wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do for me.  And this idea of the Paleo diet to go along with it was causing my body more harm than good.  Mind you, every one has a different body and everyone’s bodies react to diets differently.  I thought the Paleo diet would lean me out extremely quickly, and it did, but not in the way I wanted it to.  I was in great shape cardio wise, but I did not have the muscle mass I wanted.  I wasn’t eating enough complex carbs, let alone any carbs at all, and when I was eating, I wasn’t even hitting 1000 calories a day.  Not only that, but it was getting expensive.  I was 21 years old paying a membership that could be someone’s car payment.

That’s when I started lifting.  Sure, I had no idea what I was doing, but I looked things up.  I asked questions, I started researching things and I found a coach to help me with my nutrition.  I started going to the gym, and hey, it was extremely intimidating.  How could it not be scary to go somewhere to try something you’ve never done before and be terrified of how you’ll look in front of everyone else who knew what they were doing?  Honestly, I got to a point where I just didn’t give a damn.  I wanted to change, and I wanted to start over.  Lifting and eating right is what helped me.  I learned very quickly that not even hitting 1000 calories a day was more painful to my body than helping it.  The less you eat, the more your body gets confused and it wants to hold on to your fat cells, because the body thinks you’re starving itself.  When you eat more, and fill your diet with nutrient rich foods, my favorites just happen to be broccoli, sweet potato, and tilapia, then your body is getting everything it needs in the healthy way.  I try not to eat too much bread, but that’s just a personal choice.  But the reality is, you can eat bread, you can really eat whatever you want as long as it’s in moderation and under control.

This type of starting over was great for me, and I can say that I’ve noticed some incredible changes.  Not just in my strength and how my body looks, but how my body feels.  I’m sleeping better at night, I feel more confident and my skin has gotten so much clearer.  There’s no way I’m at the place where I want to be, but I’m not done yet.  I chose to start over and take control of my life so that I could live a healthier life.  I started over because I wanted to start living again.  And so far, it’s been an awesome four week journey.  I’m excited to see what continues to happen to more I go along with things.

Some people can think so negatively, that when they imagine starting over, they imagine all of their past problems following them.  The truth is, you have the choice to bring what you want to your new life.  If you want to bring your past drama and problems, then you’re not really starting over, are you?  If you want to pick up and move and meet new people and start a new life leaving all of the past and negativity behind, why can’t you?  You can do whatever you want and you choose when you want to do it.  You don’t have an obligation to tell anyone anything, unless those are the people you want to be there on that new journey with you.  We all have second, third, fourth, tenth chances.  We all have the opportunity to take back control of our lives.  I did, and I think everyone else can too.  You just have to be patient, and trust that the path set out for you will bring nothing but happiness, as long as you accept and believe that it will.

See you soon,

Samantha

Welcome

Hi.

Usually, I’m pretty bad at these whole introduction things, so I thought instead of telling about myself, I would use my first post to talk about why I started this blog.

It’s been a rough year for me.  In March, my ex boyfriend passed away when we had only been apart for two months, since January.  Since then, life has been a complete whirlwind for me.  We were together for almost two years, and I knew this was the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with and have kids with and have that fairy tale ending with.  Unfortunately, he allowed something else to take control of his life until it finally took his life away from him.  Tomorrow, October 16th, is the day we met three years ago.  October 16th, 2010 is the day my life would change.  Because that’s when I met him and since then, we were inseparable.

Things started going down hill for us, and unfortunately, drugs started becoming our lives.  I was going down a dark tunnel and I saved myself from it after over six months of doing this either every day or every other day.  It took over and took away my money, and almost took away my life.  I knew that I couldn’t do this anymore, but he made another choice.  He continued until he finally let it take over our relationship, our love and eventually his life.

I will always love him and I will miss him more each day.  I cannot stay angry at him because he is the one who taught me how to love as deeply as I know I can now.  Am I scared to love again?  Absolutely, but I do know that one day I’ll be able to again.  I know now, seven months after his passing, that I need to start finding something positive to add to my life and stop being so negative and allowing such negative energy to destroy my life.

So, that’s what I did.  I started lifting.  As a woman, lifting can seem like a scary thing.  Am I going to get big?  Am I going to look to masculine?  Will the gym be nothing but a bunch of meat heads to want to hit on me?  These are the things I was terrified about, but now they are things that I have absolutely no worries about because the changes I have seen in four weeks have changed me not only on the outside, but have helped me change on the inside.  This is a lifestyle that I have become addicted to, but it’s finally something that is healthy that I am addicted to now.  Instead of something that can end my life sooner, this will make my life last longer.

I’m not saying I’m one of these bikini or fitness competitors.  I’m not this overly beautiful or sexy woman, I’m really not.  I want to be one day though.  My goal is to step on stage in my first bikini competition next Spring.  And this is me starting my journey.  Not just a journey to step on stage, but a journey to begin finding myself again through health, fitness and just healing.  It’s time for me to start rebuilding myself in a healthy way, and I really hope you’ll join me on this journey to help myself, and hopefully one day I’ll write something that will help you.

Hope to see you soon.

Samantha